Reverse Culture Shock

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Culture is an amorphous term. It can be anything, really. For me, culture is everything that influences and defines a way of life in a place. For example, my way of life in Japan was very different from my way of life in America. You don’t often get to see how different your own culture is until you haven’t lived in it for a significant period of time. I even feel weird calling it my own culture, because, well, I feel like it has little to do with me anymore.

However, it does. It has so much to do with me. For whatever doses of Japanese culture I was able to take in, I still and will always be American. No matter how difficult I find a way of life here to be.

So far since I’ve been back, I’ve had a number of bouts of “reverse culture shock” while I’ve been out doing things I used to be able to do without overthinking them or feeling panicky or nervous. When I lived in Japan, I had no qualms at traveling around by myself. None whatsoever. However, now I get irrationally nervous and afraid all of a sudden, doing things by myself here at home becomes a harrowing ordeal. I keep thinking that the more I do these things, maybe I’ll get used to them again. Sometimes I get completely avoidant altogether. It’s hard, but I’m working on it, I swear.

Driving, especially, I find myself continually at odds with. I’m in constant fear inside my vehicle. I’m afraid that when my light turns green, the other cars will not stop when their lights turn red. I’m afraid that people will find that I’m driving too slow, and (especially at night) will shoot me from behind as I’m driving (slowly… er… slightly above the speed limit) in front of them. These are irrational fears, I know, but think about not having driven in two years. But was I better off with trains and bicycles and the bad drivers in Tochigi, where at least only the yakuza supposedly had guns? I don’t know.

I’m terrified of guns. America has lots of guns! I know people have guns in Japan, too, at least shotguns for hunting and stuff, and some illegal ones, but here you can get a handgun at Wal-Mart! I’m terrified that at any given moment, in any crowded area, someone will go on a shooting rampage. Actually, strip malls and shopping centers scare me even more because there are all sorts of people milling around… looking disgruntled or whatever. You just don’t know what could set someone off. Everyone seems to be in a bad mood because of the state of things… the economy is bad, they hate whatever political issue is being televised, no jobs, whatever… people are fragile and the general situation of things seems volatile… and that’s scary, too. I know, this is another irrational fear, and most shootings here are drug-related, and if I stay away from bad areas and drugs I’ll be fine, but… it’s still scary.

So… how am I dealing with my irrational fears? Well, first, I’m trying to drive a little every day, and that helps. Secondly, I’m working on going to places by myself during the day.  For example, going to the grocery store to pick up something for my mom, or going to get lunch at a fast-food chain, and not sitting in the car and going through the drive through, but getting out, going inside, and dealing with other human beings, be it standing in line, or with the cashier. It makes me feel more… integrated? Still nervous, but less wary of people I don’t know. I try to tell myself that most people are good, and they’re not out with a mission to hurt me, and that they are good, nice people, just doing their own thing.

When I get completely overwhelmed I take a walk or if it’s raining, I lie down and try to take a nap. I feel like… I’m completely re-socializing myself after being isolated for a long long time… and well… baby steps.

baby steps.